I've always wanted to write since the last time...
Only I didn't know what to write... and whatever came to my mind... I thought it wasn't the thing that I wanted/needed to put out... Every word out of my mouth and hands just seemed to be not putting the matter as it is... And my life just seemed to go wrong. I really lost my sense of self and my confidence was shaken by the outer world coming on me with its punches...
It's been 9 months since I became an English Instructor at a private university. I felt very happy to get accepted. At the first month, one student complained me that she doesn't understand my style of teaching. Then, the management changed my class. One class talked to me they get difficulty in my classes, they get bored, it's monotonious, Then, some students complained about me to the management that I was too stiff, I skippws the revisions - which was not true at all -, etc.
And god knows I worked my ass off... And saw that it didn't pay at all... I just kept on reflecting, thinking, working, praying, crying, hiding and feeling in hell... Then I got some feedback from another class, and they wrote rigorous stuff like how too strict I was, how boring my lessons were, how they get difficulty in learning the vocabulary in my lessons... Then, I started to keep things loose after a while... and received the first teacher evaluation... The results were very bad. There was an item which was "I would like to take the same lesson again from the same teacher".. The school average was 4. sth when mine was 1.5. It was the proof... that I sucked as a teacher.
However, it was the beginning of my new classes while I got the results of the first term. I was determined to do whatever I can do, and to give it all... I had two classes. One rocked! I loved them, and their energy. The other was awful - like dead people studying English - and another teacher of them agreed with me. When I got feedback from them I didn't read awful things like this time, and it was a kind of improvement for me. And, when I got feedback from the other class... They wrote really beautiful stuff like how mine was the only lesson they could learn vocabulary, how they had fun in my lessons, how we developed a relationship not only as teachers and students but also we shared things like friends. It was a Friday when I got the feedback. And the following weekend was the first weekend I breathed, and lived after a really very long time of living in hell process. After I got the results of teacher evaluation the results were high above compared to the first semester : "I would like to take the same lesson again from the same teacher": One class 3,3 & the other was 4,4. The school average was 3,8. I felt relieved, and lost the bet to my boyfriend: I was going to buy a coffee machine.
Now it's half past the third term. My class is a repeat class, now. There are still times I feel anxious and worried about the job and the class. I can't say that I forgot about all the stuff that took my energy and self-confidence down. I don't know what the end of this term will bring to me, I pray for a relief by the end of it.
For now, I'm really happy I'm back on track of writing and reflecting.
Thank God for the fresh air I take in! I think suffering really helped me to live the beauty of life to the fullest!
