Though we have been together for the last 2 years in a long term relationship with Altun, there hadn't been any single time we could spend more than 3 days until the last week.
We took our annual leaves, lies had been told to my parents and we went to Istanbul, then to Ege beaches and islands. It was sth new for us because it was the first beach holiday ever ( we took a vacation to Eastern Turkey before to see my friends) and we spent 10 constant day together for the first time. Slept together, woke up together, ate together, shopped together, swimmed together, drove for long hours together... for 10 days. What I was wondering was if we would end up fighting... But we didn't except minor resents... I realised that I was not that worrying girl all the time. I was actually having fun without ever planning anything or the next step. And I already knew that my boyfriend was full of life energy but I hadn't realized that he could keep that energy constantly 7/24, and I was one lucky girl :) During one of the dinners I told him:
- I wouldn't have worried that much in my past if I had ever known that I would meet you and be so much happy.
What happened during that holiday is that:
* I developed my swimming skills. I can float on the sea. I can swim a little bit.
* I made up with one of my best friends that we were crossed before and met one of Altun's close friends' mom. It was very very nice.
* I felt content and happy all the time. All the worries I had about my life, and job passed away. They seemed away.
* Yesterday it was my work's 1st anniversary. I was constantly worrying if they wouldn't renew the contract. But there are no bad news :)
* By the way, before holiday I received high teacher evaluation from departmental foreign language students. So, I felt better and didn't go to the shrink.
* A very unnecessary expectation of promotion occured for my job. But when I think of it, it doesn't seem much possible. Let's see what happens and I will write about it.
* I really want to keep having fun when I go back to work. I dont want to make my life a hell when I have a job, health, and a loving beatiful surrounding. I JUST NEED TO STOP THINKING TOO HARD AND HAVE SOME FUN.
26 Ağustos 2015 Çarşamba
3 Ağustos 2015 Pazartesi
Bringing the cool back
* On the way to be that laughing, genuinely smiling, friendly girl. Catching and chatting up with office mates and collegues in the balcony while we do not have lessons anymore during summer.
* I guess I'm taking two holidays in consecutive upcoming months. Wait for details :)
* Bought some diet products and a dress. Want to look better :)
* Addicted to a brain game in app store.
* A well balanced energy. Positive one.
* I guess I'm taking two holidays in consecutive upcoming months. Wait for details :)
* Bought some diet products and a dress. Want to look better :)
* Addicted to a brain game in app store.
* A well balanced energy. Positive one.
16 Temmuz 2015 Perşembe
climbing up, falling down, and that vicious cycle!
THE FALLING DOWN PART FIRST!
* Got a low evaluation grade from my students :( So sum of the 1st year: very low grades at the first term, high grades at the second term, low grades again at the third term.
Talked to the teacher trainer about it. She said that there were effective teachers one side, and popular teacher at the other. I shouldn't worry, there are many parameters to those evaluations, and it is very good that I reflect on them and take them seriously.
* As you can imagine, I'm very depressive. I won't write the very irritating horrifying self-degrading thoughts here not to awaking them while trying to keep a positive attitude - they are no good for anything. I question myself and my teaching skills a lot. My heart squeezes as the first term it did. However, I go on exploring, studying and reflecting and believing in. Practising lots of "tevekkül".
* I watched a few teaching-education movies and documentary today and just read some parts of teaching learning book reflecting on it. I will check some points to use in my plans before I teach again. You forget that kind of methodological stuff unless you experiment on it no matter how it strikes you while you're reading.
NOW THE GOOD NEWS!!
God accepted to my top choice university, METU, as a Msc student. I had even thought not to bother with letter of intent, reference letters at the first place but I am in, man! I have even started to check the education faculties overseas for Phd.
Action Plans
I'll only mention very short term ones here since I cannot see future clearly right now!
* seeing a shrink next week - I'll talk about my anxieties
* starting theater lessons - to be a more attention grabber teacher!
Wish me luck and God bless till next time :)
* Got a low evaluation grade from my students :( So sum of the 1st year: very low grades at the first term, high grades at the second term, low grades again at the third term.
Talked to the teacher trainer about it. She said that there were effective teachers one side, and popular teacher at the other. I shouldn't worry, there are many parameters to those evaluations, and it is very good that I reflect on them and take them seriously.
* As you can imagine, I'm very depressive. I won't write the very irritating horrifying self-degrading thoughts here not to awaking them while trying to keep a positive attitude - they are no good for anything. I question myself and my teaching skills a lot. My heart squeezes as the first term it did. However, I go on exploring, studying and reflecting and believing in. Practising lots of "tevekkül".
* I watched a few teaching-education movies and documentary today and just read some parts of teaching learning book reflecting on it. I will check some points to use in my plans before I teach again. You forget that kind of methodological stuff unless you experiment on it no matter how it strikes you while you're reading.
NOW THE GOOD NEWS!!
God accepted to my top choice university, METU, as a Msc student. I had even thought not to bother with letter of intent, reference letters at the first place but I am in, man! I have even started to check the education faculties overseas for Phd.
Action Plans
I'll only mention very short term ones here since I cannot see future clearly right now!
* seeing a shrink next week - I'll talk about my anxieties
* starting theater lessons - to be a more attention grabber teacher!
Wish me luck and God bless till next time :)
22 Haziran 2015 Pazartesi
falım
canım kanım arkadaşımın gönlünden kopan ile:
* sevgilim bu hafta gelemeyebiliyor, adalara götürüyor, sürpriz yapıyor, burada iş bulup yanıma gelip taşınıyor, ekonomik olarak çok rahat ediyoruz.
* odtü ve hacettepe'den y lisans kabulu alıp birini seçiyorum. yurt dışı kapıları açılıyor.
*şu anki işimde güzel bir şekilde devam ediyorum.
ee fala inanma tabii, malum bir de ramazan ayı, ama zaten temelde çok istediğiim şeyler olduğu için beni bir heyecan sarmaladı. haydi bakalım, inşallah!
* sevgilim bu hafta gelemeyebiliyor, adalara götürüyor, sürpriz yapıyor, burada iş bulup yanıma gelip taşınıyor, ekonomik olarak çok rahat ediyoruz.
* odtü ve hacettepe'den y lisans kabulu alıp birini seçiyorum. yurt dışı kapıları açılıyor.
*şu anki işimde güzel bir şekilde devam ediyorum.
ee fala inanma tabii, malum bir de ramazan ayı, ama zaten temelde çok istediğiim şeyler olduğu için beni bir heyecan sarmaladı. haydi bakalım, inşallah!
19 Mayıs 2015 Salı
the last 8 months of suffering of my life
I've always wanted to write since the last time...
Only I didn't know what to write... and whatever came to my mind... I thought it wasn't the thing that I wanted/needed to put out... Every word out of my mouth and hands just seemed to be not putting the matter as it is... And my life just seemed to go wrong. I really lost my sense of self and my confidence was shaken by the outer world coming on me with its punches...
It's been 9 months since I became an English Instructor at a private university. I felt very happy to get accepted. At the first month, one student complained me that she doesn't understand my style of teaching. Then, the management changed my class. One class talked to me they get difficulty in my classes, they get bored, it's monotonious, Then, some students complained about me to the management that I was too stiff, I skippws the revisions - which was not true at all -, etc.
And god knows I worked my ass off... And saw that it didn't pay at all... I just kept on reflecting, thinking, working, praying, crying, hiding and feeling in hell... Then I got some feedback from another class, and they wrote rigorous stuff like how too strict I was, how boring my lessons were, how they get difficulty in learning the vocabulary in my lessons... Then, I started to keep things loose after a while... and received the first teacher evaluation... The results were very bad. There was an item which was "I would like to take the same lesson again from the same teacher".. The school average was 4. sth when mine was 1.5. It was the proof... that I sucked as a teacher.
However, it was the beginning of my new classes while I got the results of the first term. I was determined to do whatever I can do, and to give it all... I had two classes. One rocked! I loved them, and their energy. The other was awful - like dead people studying English - and another teacher of them agreed with me. When I got feedback from them I didn't read awful things like this time, and it was a kind of improvement for me. And, when I got feedback from the other class... They wrote really beautiful stuff like how mine was the only lesson they could learn vocabulary, how they had fun in my lessons, how we developed a relationship not only as teachers and students but also we shared things like friends. It was a Friday when I got the feedback. And the following weekend was the first weekend I breathed, and lived after a really very long time of living in hell process. After I got the results of teacher evaluation the results were high above compared to the first semester : "I would like to take the same lesson again from the same teacher": One class 3,3 & the other was 4,4. The school average was 3,8. I felt relieved, and lost the bet to my boyfriend: I was going to buy a coffee machine.
Now it's half past the third term. My class is a repeat class, now. There are still times I feel anxious and worried about the job and the class. I can't say that I forgot about all the stuff that took my energy and self-confidence down. I don't know what the end of this term will bring to me, I pray for a relief by the end of it.
For now, I'm really happy I'm back on track of writing and reflecting.
Thank God for the fresh air I take in! I think suffering really helped me to live the beauty of life to the fullest!
Only I didn't know what to write... and whatever came to my mind... I thought it wasn't the thing that I wanted/needed to put out... Every word out of my mouth and hands just seemed to be not putting the matter as it is... And my life just seemed to go wrong. I really lost my sense of self and my confidence was shaken by the outer world coming on me with its punches...
It's been 9 months since I became an English Instructor at a private university. I felt very happy to get accepted. At the first month, one student complained me that she doesn't understand my style of teaching. Then, the management changed my class. One class talked to me they get difficulty in my classes, they get bored, it's monotonious, Then, some students complained about me to the management that I was too stiff, I skippws the revisions - which was not true at all -, etc.
And god knows I worked my ass off... And saw that it didn't pay at all... I just kept on reflecting, thinking, working, praying, crying, hiding and feeling in hell... Then I got some feedback from another class, and they wrote rigorous stuff like how too strict I was, how boring my lessons were, how they get difficulty in learning the vocabulary in my lessons... Then, I started to keep things loose after a while... and received the first teacher evaluation... The results were very bad. There was an item which was "I would like to take the same lesson again from the same teacher".. The school average was 4. sth when mine was 1.5. It was the proof... that I sucked as a teacher.
However, it was the beginning of my new classes while I got the results of the first term. I was determined to do whatever I can do, and to give it all... I had two classes. One rocked! I loved them, and their energy. The other was awful - like dead people studying English - and another teacher of them agreed with me. When I got feedback from them I didn't read awful things like this time, and it was a kind of improvement for me. And, when I got feedback from the other class... They wrote really beautiful stuff like how mine was the only lesson they could learn vocabulary, how they had fun in my lessons, how we developed a relationship not only as teachers and students but also we shared things like friends. It was a Friday when I got the feedback. And the following weekend was the first weekend I breathed, and lived after a really very long time of living in hell process. After I got the results of teacher evaluation the results were high above compared to the first semester : "I would like to take the same lesson again from the same teacher": One class 3,3 & the other was 4,4. The school average was 3,8. I felt relieved, and lost the bet to my boyfriend: I was going to buy a coffee machine.
Now it's half past the third term. My class is a repeat class, now. There are still times I feel anxious and worried about the job and the class. I can't say that I forgot about all the stuff that took my energy and self-confidence down. I don't know what the end of this term will bring to me, I pray for a relief by the end of it.
For now, I'm really happy I'm back on track of writing and reflecting.
Thank God for the fresh air I take in! I think suffering really helped me to live the beauty of life to the fullest!
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